cancer lesson – no regrets
I have not posted a cancer lesson in quite some time – mainly because of time or a lack there of it.
My mother’s health took a downturn during the holidays. Due to the holidays I think we all just wanted to downplay it and try and make it the nicest time we could. But on January 2nd there was no ignoring it and she arrived at the ER by ambulance. It turned out that the tumor in her colon was now completely blocked and the only solution was surgery as she could no longer consume any food or drink.
I’ve been asked a lot in recent months why I am spending so much time with my mom – some days at her side for hours and hours on end. There is concern from those who care about me and my family that I am doing too much or that I will burn out. I don’t always know how to respond because some days I feel the same but self preservation is still fairly high on the list of my personal priorities so I try not to worry about it.
Today our country got the sad news of Sarah Burke, one of our country’s female athletes was injured and died from a training accident. Only 29 years old. Feels tragic. Feels like waste of so much life and opportunity. Feels like a wake up call.
My mom is sick. Very sick. And while I hold to faith in forces and things I cannot see – there are no guarantees at the end of this journey. Do I hope for more time – of course. But the truth is that this illness could be what takes her slowly, or a twist of fate that no one was expecting could be what ends her journey, or any of ours for that matter. One of the last mysteries we have is that of our last day on this planet.
I don’t sit in fear that I will not have done enough. I do what I feel is right for me first, then her and for the moment. I don’t feel I have all the answers but use every ounce of intuitive energy to move us forward. I do what I would want done for me. Companionship, compassion and honesty. I don’t fear that she doubts my love for her but actions will always speak louder than words. Sometimes finding the right words to express those deep feelings about life and death can be difficult for me to say and for her to hear – so I sit with her and hold her hand just letting the energy flow into her and sometimes I cry, so she knows I’m still just her little girl.
There is nothing perfect in this world. I know that I will look back on this part of my life and see so many things I could have done differently. But I know without a doubt I will have few to any regrets. I know am loving her with all the love I have within. So while there will be imperfections and mistakes made, I will hopefully be able to look at those moments with eyes of learning and see where new lessons lay. Love is a powerful force and I trust it. I am doing what I am doing because it’s what my love tells me to do and because of that, I trust this journey will end with no regrets.
Defining Super Star
A year ago today my life changed. All the pieces did not and have not fallen into place BUT I finally have all the pieces to start putting the puzzle back together. Just like that burst of wonder that you feel as you watch Planet Earth when the buds push through the ground or the petals starts to open on a new bud – a new energy filled both me and my life.
Becoming a Stella & Dot stylist was really about me getting some quick retail therapy – who doesn’t like to get $450 of anything for $200?! And having the option of purchasing at a discount gave myself permission to get some jewels that I would normally consider outside of my price range. We are in debt, we have 4 children and really where do I go to wear jewels like that? I basically had to trick myself into wearing what I felt I deserved and genuinely loved.
I didn’t start this journey with a super star plan. I knew that there was super star possibility but I entered with only a few toes in the water. A bit to my surprise my friends loved it too and were more than happy to get their friends together…hhhmmm, I’ve done this before and not gotten this kind of response…interesting.
I was hesitant to jump in full on because I know myself REALLY well. Perhaps a downfall but I know ALL of my hang ups. One of the biggest is my fear of selling. My first few trunk shows I knew I blew it – I didn’t feel comfortable styling people, I didn’t want to share the opportunity or really say anything…ugh, I just cringe thinking about it. But thankfully for me there was a saving grace…the jewels. They sold themselves and I would get one or two glimmers of hope when someone really liked my suggestions or we just clicked. I would go home having made $35/hr and thought…ok…I’ll try again.
And I did try again. And again and again. I would give myself a new task at every new trunk show. “Tonight you are going to style everyone who comes in…” or “Tonight you are going to ask everyone if they might like to host their own trunk show…” and, I got better. I started making $100/hr and that ladies and gents is motivating to push yourself to find yourself and “your way” as they say in our biz.
I was offered a great opportunity to share a testimonial at our national convention. I believe that the Universe was reaching out to me in a very special way. There are many, many very special women in the Stella & Dot family – I’ll never know why I was chosen for that day – but I am so glad I was. Every single part of it from writing the speech to practicing for months to delivery day…had an impact on how I saw myself and in the end realizing that we are more the same than different.
One thing I said in the speech was that next year at this same time of national convention that I would come back as a “uber awesome Star Stylist”. A star stylist is a level you reach after you grow a team and hit a certain amount of volume. And that goal is/was a very doable goal – people do it in a month sometimes…but for the moment, this is me we are talking about and remember those hang ups…yeah, I thought a year would be generous.
I’ve been thinking about that uber awesome star stylist. I’ve been thinking about my belief that I could one day be a super start at my biz…or….that maybe I am one already and I’m still just me a stylist. This is what I think…
I think super stars follow their instincts even when they don’t make total sense. I am.
I think super stars create lives that allow them freedom to experience life on their terms. I am.
I think super stars sometimes have to sacrifice personal and business goals to deal with more important life matters. I am.
I think super stars keep going even when Life seems confusing and difficult. I am.
I think that super stars know that success is a feeling, not a destination of status or money. I do.
I think super stars BELIEVE. I do.
This past year was filled with so many highs and revelations and I am so thankful I could be open to receive the opportunity. I have no doubt that I am moving in the exact timeline I need for today and what will come. I know that this coming year will be overwhelmed with physical, mental and emotional challenges as we continue our journey supporting my mother. I need to accept my limitations and trust Life. This is not the time to be all things to all people. This is not the time to be booking my calendar full when at any moment I might need to be at her side. And while that doesn’t pay the bills, it does make me a super star in this moment.
Will I be doing trunk shows? YES!! Will I still be striving for Star Stylist? YES!! Will I continue to do everything I can to move forward and achieve my dreams? YES! There are great, GREAT things waiting for me – just watch and see!
Signing off… Super Star. xo
freedom
At the beginning of each year I seem to get a clear indication of what my theme for that year will be. January 2010 it was a huge emotional purge that started with a full body break out of hives. Once the hives were gone, I cried and cried AND cried and then it was December. January 2011 I went out and bought a bra and decided I needed to accessorize so I bought a necklace…or two. 
It was a year of transformation back to my authentic self. This year the message took a bit longer to come in as I have been sitting in a hospital room with my mom since the 2nd day of January. But Life has a great way of making itself known.
As I sit quietly at my mom’s beside as she sleeps. Or as I do my best to calm my mind as I try to go to sleep. As I have looked at my children the last few weeks. As I look to the future. The message, the word that ends every thought, every vision, every hope and prayer is – freedom.
2012 is about being free and holding the freedom key in my hand whether that be financial, emotional or personal freedom.
Yesterday as I made this grand declaration on facebook and got several “likes”,it felt inspirational and motivating. Today, in this moment, it feels scary and sad. I thought freedom was something that was going to happen to me, but almost as shocking as an unexpected slap in the face, I just learned it’s a choice, one that comes with a price. Already I can understand why more don’t choose it.
I will admit that I am being very cautious about what I am about to share because I honestly have no idea what the future holds. I will say that Craig and I have had a very serious discussion and we know that for both of our happiness we need to make some very difficult, or perhaps not so difficult decisions. This is actually very heartbreaking for both of us as we have cried in each other arms tonight. We love each other deeply. We love our family and our lives together beyond words. And most would think that that would be enough. It might be one day, but we both know that’s it not right now. We have both been hurting in one area of our relationship and it’s time to be free from hurt, sadness and anger.
Tonight as we slowly came to realization and conclusion that we need to make serious changes to our relationship. There was a moment of feeling relief. Knowing that in the near future I would be free from the negative feelings that have weighed me down for so long. Thankful that I could rid myself of guilt and he could walk away from anger. It was almost like when you open the door on a cool crisp morning but you are still standing in the the warmth of your home. An awakening.
But, as I sit here contemplating the possible future, my heart aches. It aches for the price we will have to pay for our freedom. It’s my hope that the price is minimal and that we can minimize the effects on all of us…that it doesn’t hurt as much as I am anticipating but my logical mind can’t believe it. Not to be dramatic, but it feels like the dream is over…and I’m sad.
I am sad, I am scared and I really have no idea what decisions we will make or what changes to our family will happen. What I do know is that regardless of how sad we are or how difficult it is to find the solutions that work for us and our family, we deserve a love that doesn’t hurt and the freedom to find happiness.
I have a dream…freedom.
Easy Style – See the Sparkle
As we say hello to 2012 I decided that I would share what I’m calling easy style. Fact is, fashion makes me happy and I wish I could shop till I drop as a job but it’s not my job. My job consists of 4 cutie pie kids, at the moment a mother who requires a lot of care to regain her wellness and fitting in a couple of trunk shows here and there…so when I hear fab women say things like “oh, I don’t go anywhere to wear stuff like that” or “I have tons of jewels but always forget to put them on before I leave the house” and then… “I just don’t know how you do it”…
Well…this is how I do it. Just like my “Shanta’s Closet” posts where I share some style ideas from my own closet, I’ll do the same with these easy style tips. I’m not special, I don’t have a super mom cape and I don’t have time to spend hours getting ready. Not that I have kept time but I would say the average time it takes me to get ready is about 20mins. These are the the tips and tricks that I use so when I get a call to go out for a coffee I can be ready from pjs to full make up in about 15 mins. Just like most things, when you put a bit of effort in at the beginning like 5 to 10 mins – it saves you from standing in front of the hangers trying to decide what to wear for what feels like hours.
So drum roll please…my first styling tip is this…
If You See It, You Will Wear It.
I’ll start this tip off by sharing a recent personal experience.
I found a cute little dress at H&M. I got home to find that I didn’t have any shoes that would work, much to my husbands dismay I might add. Once I explain in detail that no, none of these shoes will work…the search begins to find a pair of brown boots. It’s the holidays and I don’t want to spend a lot of money so this quest for foot attire begins to get daunting. The few I like – too much money and the if I find something I like – they don’t have them in my size…drat. I did want to wear this outfit for a specific occasion so there is a bit of a time crunch…I’m getting stressed.
Everytime I enter ANY store that sells footwear I am on the lookout. Nothing.
Until…
We happen to be in the mall and the kids want to check out Santa before we leave so they go off with dad and I take a quick look at a nearby store – and to my surprise they have boots! There is a whole story that happens in the store but it’s a long story – so cut to the end of story – I did leave with a pair of boots. Not great boots, not forever boots but boots that would work. Great, done.
I didn’t even wear that outfit for the intended event so all that for nothing BUT the story is not done my friends.
About 2 weeks after I don’t wear the outfit and my not forever boots are just sitting there now, I have to hide a Santa present. As I’m trying to find a dark corner in my closet I start pulling stuff out from beside my clothes hamper and guessy guessy what I find….yup, brown boots. Really nice, suede brown boots from Banana Republic!! O.M.G. is all I’m thinking…as I start laughing and post it on facebook:
So as the sprinkles of Christmas cheer continue to fall – i spent weeks looking for a pair of brown boots, found nothing…THEN today as I’m hiding a prezzy found my suede banana republic boots – thanks Santa for reminding me I really need to clean out my closet!!
They don’t say “out of sight, out of mind” for nothing. We all have busy lives and let’s face it we have multiples of almost everything. Off the top of my head the only thing I have one of is my toothbrush and it stays in the same room of the house the 2 times I use it everyday. So it’s not big surprise that you might forget about your awesome pair of red shoes you put away in the closet so they didn’t end up at the bottom of the kids outside shoes bin, or as you are switching loads of laundry your best push up bra falls between the washer and dryer or….your really good brown boots end up in the dark corner of your closet because…well just because, the details are sketchy. This type of thing happens to most of us as we wrangle this crazy life.
It’s no big surprise that women that tell me that they have their jewels out where they can see them actually wear them…and those that are keeping them safe inside their boxes, which are kept inside one of their dresser drawers…aren’t. If your intention is to complete your outfit with some accessories then you need to ensure that they become part of the getting ready process and be in sight.
I love my jewels and I always feel better when I walk out the door with them…but fact is that if I have a trunk show on Friday night and don’t unpack my trays and put everything back out before I go to bed – you can bet that when I am getting ready to go grocery shopping Saturday morning…I won’t be walking out with any jewels on. Firstly, I’ll likely forget. It’s rare when my getting ready time doesn’t include stopping to look for a sock or a pair of pants for 1 or often all 4 kids. So my mind isn’t solely focused on myself and my tasks of getting ready to go – it’s interupted with questions, hugs, mediations of fights, yelling down to co-parent to not forget something on the list…you know life. So, if my jewels are not out ready for me to mindlessly put them on in the routine of getting dressed…it won’t happen.
Where do I keep my jewels you might ask. After Ella was potty trained the change table just sat there for a long time. We were about to move it out of the space when I realized that it would be perfect for me to display my jewels. I am able to lay out my trays and even have my neck forms and display frame out so that all the jewels are available. It sits right outside my bedroom door so when I’m done getting dressed and am walking out to go downstairs I can just quickly stop and get my sparkle on. Everything sits right in front of a bathroom so I have a huge mirror to use…it’s the perfect set up for me.
If you spend the money to buy yourself some jewels take the time to figure out where they need to be so that as you are finishing getting dressed they will be in the flow of you actually stopping for a minute to put them on. How are your jewels displayed and can you see and remember everything you have in your collection? Consider simple trays or a jewelry tree – there is no need for anything expensive. Putting similar colored jewels together can save you time when trying to complete a look with earrings, necklace and bracelets. It’s important for you to remember ladies not to keep your jewels in the bathroom – the moisture is great for your skin but not your sparkly things!!
Regardless of where you decide to put your collection or how it is organized, the most important thing is for you to see the sparkle. If you don’t see it, you won’t be it…sparkly that is!
Need some jewels – get them for free! Looking to experience personal freedom – join our team! Just need some retail therapy – click here!
Makeover with Proper Television
I am happy to be able to help Proper Television find Ontario moms to makeover! My own transformation took place during 2011 and knowing how it has changed my life in powerful ways I would love for you to experience the same transformation. Feel your best, look your best and live your best. Good luck ladies I hope I get to see the new you on Proper’s newest show!
Calling all moms! Feeling like you’re in a rut? Would you like to make changes in your life, but don’t know where to begin? Why not start with your STYLE!
Proper Television is casting for a new makeover show for a major Canadian network, seeking moms who have fallen out of touch with their inner beauty and are seeking a fashion overhaul to show the world the beautiful person inside.
Applicants must be between the ages of 25 and 55 and live in Ontario.
If selected, you will receive a $1000 honorarium, plus $2000 in fashion styling products and services.
If interested, please fill out the following questionaire: http://www.propertelevision.com/casting/index.php/form/apply/67
Don’t forget to include a PHOTO of yourself (preferably one that reflects your day to day style) that is smaller than 1 megabyte!
We look forward to your application!
Buy One, Gift One
Today we got our first snow fall and I have to say that it put me in the Christmas spirit. I can say that I’ve noticed a lot more talk about holiday shopping the last few days. So I’m glad that we are starting this great promotion now when everyone is getting into gift giving mode.
This is pretty simple. You give one, we give one. You can choose from any of the little girl and tween pieces listed and for every one you buy we will give one to our Stella & Dot Foundation partner BuildOn to give to a deserving girl around the world from December 1st till December 21st.
Having three girls myself I know first hand how excited they are to have their own jewels and get to dress up their looks, just like mom. I know that if my girls have that feeling, girls all around the world do too. Stella & Dot has a goal of sending 10,000 to BuildOn and I would like to contribute to their goal by selling 50 myself. All our little girl jewels come gift ready in a super duper cute tins so no wrapping is necessary!
Check out the options below and make a difference in the lives of pretty girls all over the world. Contact me at naturalmomlovesprada@gmail.com if you would like to know if discounted shipping is available for you!! Thanks so much for helping to spread some beauty and joy!
cancer lesson – time
I have many cancer lessons to share but since I have not had the time to write I thought it appropriate to share some of the things I have learned about time.
The past two months have been a blur. Without a doubt the strain of time has been the biggest lesson for me to learn. With my inner control freak resisting, throwing tantrums and at times deciding to just shut down, time has been my biggest teacher thus far.
I’ve never been a super mom, super woman or super person. I like a laid back, fairly stress free, time generous life and schedule. So when the realization that I would need to step into this role of main support person for my mom I knew I would have to pull out some superhero willpower and strength. Knowing you need to do something, and doing so with ease are two different things.
What I have learned…
In the first month I quickly had to learn that I took every minute as it came. Emotions ran high and just as I thought, “ok, here is an hour or a day to breathe” we would get more difficult news, have to go to another frustrating appointment or someone was having an emotional meltdown that required, time. It took me until a few weeks ago to really accept that “this” was the new normal. That I could have a goal for the day, as simple as responding to an email but had to be prepared to instead spend the day in the ER with my mom or cuddled under the covers with her, allowing her time to purge the emotions that have played a part in her body allowing illness.
I’ve had to learn that ideas, routines and healing needs take time to implement. It seems that once we hear of something new, decide on a new routine that might help to create a more joyful healing experience, it takes at least two weeks to get it going. I have to admit, I don’t like it. The running to do list just circles in my head and I really don’t like all the loose ends. This is not the “clean the basement” job that always gets pushed to the bottom of the list – this is my mom’s life and wellness. But again, I’ve had to learn and accept that everyone has their limitations, especially myself. Is there room for better time management, absolutely – but the truth is, day in and day out I know we are all doing our best. We are juggling providing the physical and emotional needs of a very physically weak and emotionally fragile person. We are juggling 6 small children who at times really have to roll with it. And we juggle the rollercoaster of emotions that we need to feel and process if we are to keep ourselves able and well. In the midst of all that juggling we also have to find time for all the new things that come into play – it takes time to learn juggle.
With my mother’s decision to heal her body with natural medicine and nutrition there has come a lot of questioning and resistance from her allopathic doctors. I was definitely expecting this type of response so it wasn’t a surprise. What did come as a surprise was their indifference to know whether anything she was doing was helping or not. The definite feeling has been “you are not doing our treatment, so there is no other way for us to support you”. We made it clear to our original oncologist that we did want to be monitored so we could continually evaluate if we needed or wanted to make changes in our wellness plan. Because of their attitude there was no plan put in place for continual monitoring. We have gotten glimpses of changes, either from how she is feeling or from going to other doctors that have required blood or other tests but no regular monitoring thus far. The fact is natural healing takes time. My mom did not get sick overnight and she is not going to get better overnight. When there is limited monitoring it can be difficult for everyone to stay focused and encouraged. Especially when progress is slow and at times 2 steps forward and seemingly 1 step back. Natural healing, true mind, body and soul healing takes, time.
(UPDATE: My mom started taking Essiac tea around the 14th of November. On November 16th, she went for a physical. During the routine PAP check they indicated that “there is a huge polyp” and the nurse seemed quite alarmed asking “you had a check last year?” the answer of course being “no”. The doctor referred her to an OB to get further examination. Today, Novemeber 30th, exactly two weeks from that physical check up we went to see the OB. As he was reading the file that was sent I was able to see the screen where it was written “large mass in cervix”, “patient with colon cancer”. He checked my mom and immediately said “It says a mass…I don’t see a mass, there is a polyp but it’s definitely not a mass – I’m going to take it out”. He showed it to me and I would say it was the size of a pea. WOW, WOW, WOW!!!! This is very exciting…and of course we have to wonder…what are happening to her tumors??!! To have that major of a change in two weeks seems almost unbelievable. We have felt that the Essiac tea along with the numerous other supplements and nutritional changes would and have been doing their job, but of course have had no way of knowing for sure. We both feel strongly that this polyp and referral was a gift – a little message from God saying, “it takes time BUT it’s working”. )
Time is a funny thing. On one hand I am so conscience of the fact that every. single. moment. counts with my mom. These moments we have together supporting her will forever be a defining moment in our lives. Yet there is this other side where we all need to learn new rules about how we used our time, what we get to do with our time now. It seems like we have been doing this thing called cancer forever already but it’s only been 2 months. It feels like just yesterday that everything we took for granted took on a new look. Every step of the way, we are all learning that what we need to learn, what we need to do, how we need to change, and it all takes, time.
cancer lesson – trust
definition: trust; confident expectation of something; hope.
On this journey we label as cancer, one of the biggest lessons I am learning is about trust. Learning how much I don’t know about it and how deeply it is needed in every moment. How the word is very easy to use when most of the time it’s really only needed as a reminder that things aren’t so bad and to be grateful. Yet in moments when life hangs in the balance it’s difficult to really surrender to it’s power that is so new, it feels terrifying to relinquish the meager amount of control you once thought you had.
For 10 years I have been an advocate of natural health and living. I believe in God’s medicine – the earth’s gifts. I have used them successfully with my family. I have trusted that The Source that created me, created a body that can heal itself, yes, even from cancer. This has been a value pillar on which I have raised my children. I felt it was a pillar that could not be shaken.
But when life starts a staring contest with you, you realize all of sudden that ideas and ideals feel much different than reading books or watching documentaries. It’s time to put all this knowledge to work, to walk the walk and talk the talk. It’s easy to believe in some little drops of oil that help your child stop coughing in a few minutes. Or a tea that ends an upset stomach. The results are quick, effective and without a thought, life goes on. But, when you have a body that is weak from months of sickness, cancer that has been present for a long time and an unknown amount of time to get ahead of it’s growth…the results are not quick, the evidence is not easily seen and you wait with only one thing to hang on to – trust. My pillar was shaken as this was no longer a “what if” scenario, and there are not many in our midst who hold very much optimism in our choices or with any treatment to be honest. So I continue to remind myself of the deep belief and trust I have in the healing abilities of our bodies and God given medicine. I don’t believe we were put on this planet without powerful protection and definitely not as victims – so everyday I take one more step in trust, faith.
Another part of trust I have had to learn is to trust my mom. Not in the sense that she was untrustworthy but that she knows what is right for her. I have told many that this would be so much easier if it was me that was healing. But it is not me having to make these serious wellness choices and I have had to learn to trust that my mom knows what is best for her. And I have to say I’m glad she trusts herself and that I learned this lesson in time.
When given the choice of chemotherapy as a wellness option, she declined. This was very distressing to me considering the seriousness of her illness. I felt that she should do the conventional treatment and support her body with aggressive nutrition and supplements. I never really voiced my opinion as she thankfully never asked for it. In our appointment with the naturopathic oncologist she looked over the minimal reports we have concerning my mom’s health and let us know that due to a cyst in my mom’s kidney chemotherapy was not an option. Wow, only the week before she would have started conventional treatment – but she trusted herself and held to her strong belief that it wasn’t the right treatment for her. That day I learned a very important lesson in trust – I am trusting my intuition to guide me through this with her, it was time for me to start trusting her and her intuition also.
I am mentally overloaded. The juggling of my life, my business and this wellness journey feels beyond my juggling abilities, which at best were minimal. Thank goodness I am not trying to join the circus. There is never a minute that my mind is not racing with a very long to do list. Balls are going to drop, there is no doubt about that – I just don’t want the wrong ones to fall. My children are resilient and super troupers, but they have their personal limits. Money is needed for so many different reasons. The new juicer, supplements, wellness appointments not covered by insurance. The list is long where money is concerned so I feel that I need to work if that is possible. I don’t have the luxury of not booking a trunk show – every trunk show, every dollar, is wellness for my mom. I have had to learn to trust that what I am able to give to my family, business and mom is enough for today.
I walked into this situation assuming that from having experienced loss already that I would of course be able to handle any outcome. When Emma left this earth it was me and Craig. We had few responsibilities and only each other and while I am tender with myself and do not stand in judgement – the truth is I lost myself. I allowed the magnitude of the pain to cover me in some kind of fog. If that happened when life was relatively easy, what would happen now when life is full of complexities. I can’t say that I feel confident in myself today that I would not be swallowed up by that same fog again. My mom and I have a very unique and special relationship. I’ve always felt it but only came to understand the depth and reason when we found out about her illness, so it’s no surprise that no one else would really get it. I would say that our bond goes beyond her being my earthly mother. I know that God chose my spirit to be with her spirit. He knew she would need me and especially for this moment. I want so badly to trust that if the outcome is not the one we desire that I will walk through the mourning and back into life…I just don’t know. I pray I am open to the lessons that will teach me if that is the path we are given.
A few weeks ago trust was a word that made me feel better. Today trust is a way of being.
cancer lesson – intuition
intuition: direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension
I’ve had glimpses of intuition over my lifetime. But for whatever reason have always discounted them only to later realize that it was an opportunity to prepare, consider other choices or just know.
The night before Emma’s surgery I had a dream that she passed away. When I have intuitive dreams I wake up with this feeling that I can’t describe, I can only say it’s a deep knowing. I was of course upset by the dream and shared it with Craig who of course said “it’s only a dream, everything is going to be fine…” and of course I thought, “he’s right, it’s just a dream…” but it wasn’t just a dream and just like in my dream, I held my baby as we said our goodbyes.
The dream about Emma was one that I wouldn’t forget but I can remember having many other dreams like that, where I would wake up with that feeling. They were never about anything super serious so I rarely paid very much attention. And it’s likely that coming from a christian home that I might have believed that this was in some way a bad thing that I might have insight into the future so actually tried to ignore it completely…unfortunate. Now, I would say that I don’t consider my intuition anything like esp or fortune telling but only a deep knowing that is important for me to know.
My mom had been experiencing spasms and pain for several months. After a few weeks I suggested she go see a doctor – she didn’t. One afternoon we were talking in the kitchen and I suspect I was suggesting to her again to go to a doctor and when she turned around to leave I watched her as she walked away and could see the bones of her back through her shirt and I thought “she has cancer”.
It was a strong feeling but I once again discounted the message. So much so that I never shared with anyone that I had this thought. I didn’t want anyone to think I was over reacting or thinking negatively. And of course I didn’t want it to be true.
When the day came that we knew that it was indeed cancer I made a decision to never again ignore my intuitive knowings and to stop discounting it as silly thoughts. If I was given the insight than I must use it. And that is what I have done.
I knew immediately that I would need to be the person to help my mom gather information, make a plan and facilitate the logistics of whatever she chose to do. I knew already that regardless of her treatment choices that we would support her system naturally so immediately started researching what that would be. I also knew that she needed to juice. I don’t know why I had never thought of juicing all the months that she was having spasms and pain. Looking back, thankfully I didn’t – as it has relieved the majority of her pain and she may never have gone to the doctor. But the day we found out that it could be cancer, one of the first thoughts I had was “we need a juicer”. In the last 10 years of reading and learning about natural health, of course I had read and understood the benefits of juicing. Having a husband who works in the As Seen On Tv industry we have had many juicers in our home but it wasn’t something we had ever kept up with. Yet with a cupboard full of essential oils and an arsenal of supplements I had in the back of my head, the first thing I thought of was juice. I had no idea about the Gerson Therapy when we started juicing and it was never my intention that she use juicing as her healing treatment – yet that is one of the main parts of her protocol. Complete intuition.
As we have moved along in this process, I have trusted my intuition fully without fail. When I read something, hear something or when talking with my mom or even just looking at her. I listen to that voice that is clearly leading me. On days that she has lower energy or it seems that there has been a step back – I listen to what she tells me and can almost always figure out what we need to do next.
It’s not a feeling of having all the answers, it’s a feeling of being lead. I feel like I am completely open and ready for service. In this case my service is to offer knowledge and suggestions. It’s to offer a different perspective.
I can say without a doubt that trusting this voice, this feeling…this intuitive knowing has grounded me. It has made me feel that much more like myself. And for that I could never wish this experience away.
Cancer lessons…
Since finding out that my mom has cancer there are two things that keep surprising me. The first is how quickly a total transformation of your life becomes “the new normal”. Last week we had our first appointment with the oncologist and as I walked into the waiting room – it really hit me. She has cancer and this wing of the hospital, these nurses, this waiting room is and will be forever a part of our lives. It’s actually quite astounding how quickly we can adapt to a situation we have never had any prior knowledge of – and somehow we are fine.
Then there are the lessons. I have been blessed to be in a space that I can fully appreciate and understand why we are having to go through this experience. While I went through many of the usual emotions in the first few weeks I quickly realized that this is an opportunity. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime for my mom to break through to the life of her dreams but can also be a powerful experience for all of us who choose to fully go there with her and allow the lessons to speak to us personally.
I am actually in awe of how deep the lessons run and how I know with no doubt that this is a great space of healing and growth. While I would never say I’m happy that my mom has cancer and stage 4 cancer at that – I am thankful for the possibility of greatness from a situation that could suck all the joy and life right out of you given a different perspective. I actually give a prayer of thanks everyday for this experience. I know without a doubt that I was put on this earth for this moment and I’m thankful I recognize it.
I know that so many are praying and sending positive energy to all of our family and it does make a difference and I can feel it and know it’s making a difference. I know that many are concerned about us and our emotional well being but we are really doing ok. We are physically tired but emotionally and spiritually strong and full of optimism and trust. I thought that over the next few weeks that I could share some of these lessons with you. This way I can share some of the experience with you without making it all about cancer and the wild journey that it is.
I’m excited to share this new chapter with you, still sprinkled with sparkly things, life and all that jazz.
p.s. We are excited to have collected over $60 in the last few days for my mom’s juicer fund. Tribute bracelets can be ordered now and I would love to help you with flat rate shipping if you would like to contact me at stage4wellnessplan@gmail.com. Think of every special lady in your life that you will be gifting this holiday season and get one for each one of them! Thanks for the support!!
