I woke up the other morning @ 5am. No, I DO NOT consider this time of day morning – I consider anytime after 6am morning, so in my books it was still night and I should have been sleeping. So,” what, why, who, where, when” was I up? Of course it was because of “who”…namely Ella our 8mth old. I half expected her to get up early but was soooo hoping she would not.
How did I know she was going to get up? Well, we had an appointment around supper time and I nursed her but she never got a solids meal for supper. Knowing that she likely did not get enough calories by missing that meal I had to prepare myself for her to be up early. And she was…as I lay there nursing at 5am I was thankful that I don’t have to do this every morning.
I honestly don’t understand this idea that parents can go months and months on end without sleep. There may have been a time when that was more feasible when most families either lived together or lived very close together but for many of us, that is just not the case. For moms with their first baby it’s reasonable that they will and can have a nap in the day when their baby is sleeping, although I don’t know too many of my friends who actually did that very successfully, I suppose I have a lot of “prada moms” friends who feel the need to get a lot done.
What I have seen and experienced myself is a mom who wants to do the best for their babies yet still expect or want to live “the prada life” with the expectation that the house will be clean, dinner will be made and laundry washed, folded and put away…just to name a few.
Instead of having a ton of visitors come and see baby and “help mom”, we now “give mom and baby space” which often means that new moms are left all by themselves most of the time with this little stranger that they thought they knew, but are now realizing have a much more high maintenance personality then first expected.
There aren’t friends and family to pop in and do dishes, wash the floor or clean a toilet or more often to hold a baby who has been crying all morning and let mom who hasn’t showered in a few days go and get refreshed.
We have set ourselves up to do this awesome job of being a parent, by ourselves AND be sleep deprived while we do it. Seems silly and not realistic in my opinion.
As my blog title states “the balance of living naturally and the real world” is my moto for most things in life. My goal is to do the best and most natural for my family but I also accept the world I live in and choose to find the balance between the two.
This is definitely true when it comes to sleep. Even though not popular, I am not shy when it comes to encouraging tired, frustrated, spent parents to know that their can sleep through the night.
Most people think that the only way to get their baby to sleep through the night is to let him or her cry it out. I absolutely don’t agree with this and the following points are from my experience – hopefully they may help some very tired parents somewhere.
DISCLAIMER: I am not at all implying that with these tips you are going to go back to “before baby” sleep. THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. Kids are unpredictable and seem to be even more so when you’ve had the longest day ever… If we get one morning a month that feels like “before baby” sleep, I take it and savour every moment…otherwise I am happy to get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep most of the time. Deciding to be a parent in my books means that you accepted that you would have to give up some of your “prade life” perks and unfortunately, sleep is a part of those perks.
The way it works
The way it works is pretty simple. Baby gets enough calories, baby sleeps. Baby does not get enough calories, baby does not sleep. Baby sleeps all day, baby will be up all night.
Feeding on demand vs. routine feedings
I fed on demand for 6 weeks so I honestly don’t know very much about it. Almost every close friend I have had who has tried to feed on demand finds it very challenging and moved to more routine oriented feedings (without any influence from me!). I feed on demand for the first week and then I transition to 3 hour feedings. Zoe was born and had her days and nights backwards so I had to 1)get her eating in the day instead of all night and 2)get her to eat every three hours. To do this, I would wake her (if she would wake up) and feed her as long as I could and kept doing this every three hours. When she did wake up there was likely some time before the next three hour mark – I did not make her wait the entire time, perhaps 10 or 15 mins or until she started crying and then I would feed her. I continued to push her feedings by small time increments until she was eating in the day and doing most of her sleep at night. She started sleeping through the night between 6 -8 weeks on her own.
This is also true if baby is waking up early in the morning – let’s say 5am 
I would walk the baby till 6am or until the baby started crying and continue to do this until they woke up at 6am.
(I did feed Ella at 5am when she woke up because I knew why she was up, she was hungry and that the next morning she would sleep till her regular time when she got all her regular meals.)
Getting Enough
I encouraged my babies to eat for a minimum of 20-30 mins each feed if not longer. I did my best to get as much into them in the feed hour. The feed hour is whatever hour I am feeding. So if I start feeding at 2pm I feed as much as possible (on one breast) till 3pm – the next feeding 5pm (on opposite breast). For those who feed on demand, I think this sleep theory can work for you also, as long as you are encouraging your baby to eat for the 20-30 time frame. Its not about when your baby eats, its about how much.
Cry It Out for babies
Unfortunately for two of my children, I did let them cry it out when I desperately needed them to sleep. I now don’t believe this is a necessary practice to get small babies to sleep the night. If your baby is crying, there is a problem. Both Zoe and Ella started sleeping through the night on their own without the need for them to cry themselves to sleep. One night they went down for a sleep and I woke up the next morning with really really full breasts!! If your baby is getting up in the night, he/she is hungry and is not getting enough in the day.
Cry It Out for toddlers
There is a point where a sleep pattern has developed and regardless of how much they eat or play they are going to wake up. I would say this is probably true after 6 months…maybe earlier (as I said, I don’t really know as all my kids slept through the night early).
So, this is what I would do if it were me. Sit beside baby and rub their back till they go to sleep. The first night will be the longest and should shorten every night till you can lay baby down and he/she doesn’t cry.
Energy
I cannot stress enough the importance of having calm energy when trying anything new with your baby. If you are stressed, your baby will be stressed and cry. If you are impatient, sighing, abrupt, your baby is going to cry all the more.
The two children who I allowed to cry were children born when I had very very poor energy most of the time. I feel badly now that I didn’t do more to deal with the emotions that caused me not to be present, focused on their best interests and more patient. I should have asked for help and if you can’t move to a calm, positive state of mind when dealing with your baby’s sleep issues, please ask for help.
A good place to start would be to know what you want the result to be but not to have any expectation of exactly when that is going to happen. This takes the pressure out of getting results in your time frame and allows the baby to move toward the goal at their own pace.
Crying should not be apart of going to sleep. And if there is crying, it should be a short term transition that is done with a parent close by ensuring that the crying is not escalating to a panic state or last more than a reasonable amount of time (which I am not going to determine for anyone).
Each child is different so how you get that child to sleep will be something you have to figure out with that child. You need to use instinct, trust yourself that you know your child’s boundaries and your own and believe that it’s possible. You may need to try the same thing for a few nights to see if it’s going to work…not all things work the first time you try it. You might have to get your spouse/partner to try it and see if the baby reacts differently to their energy and approach. I would say that getting your baby to sleep is a scientific art.
I know that there is a negative stigma concerning “sleep training”. I had to ignore that stigma and do what was best for me so that I could be the best for my children. Even though I feel it unnecessary now, when I allowed my children to cry it out, they did start sleeping within a few days and I did become a much better parent. So for me, a few nights of crying was better than what might have happened on the parenting road I was on at that time. Since then I still have the same sleep needs, but I have tried to find a natural balance that allows my children the flexibility they need when it comes to sleep. I hope these few points might help someone else find the balance they desire.
I love this post – and agree 1000%. There IS a gentle way to sleep train, people just hate that term, so I’ve started calling it “Sleep Guidance” so people stop throwing stones at me. I just wrote about it:
http://thefeministbreeder.typepad.com/the_feminist_breeder/2009/06/bad-mommy-part-duex-sleep-training-makes-you-evil.html
I think that you are definitely on to something, and your method is gentle and respects the babies needs.
My one comment is that even though starting early has worked well for you – some moms would run into serious issues establishing a milk supply if they were to start moving away from on demand feeding before six weeks. Although length of time at the breast is important, in the early weeks frequency can be just as important. Especially a first time mom whose body is learning to make milk for the first time. Some moms on the other hand can schedule feed quite early, and not have a problem – but frequent feedings are the best way to avoid problems before they start.
If you did run into milk supply issues I would certainly recommend that the mom return to on demand until her milk supply was co-operating. This doesn’t last forever, and certainly within 6-8 weeks there is much more flexibility.
It is also important to note that this would not support LAM method of birth control, incase that was a consideration…
In our family the night feeding babies sleep with us, and help themselves when they wake up. I sleep right through 95% of the time (after the first 6-8 weeks), and after the first birthday they are gently moved to the appropriate room with siblings. At that point they still usually come in and help themselves if they end up needing nursing in the night… It stops on its own within 3-6 months, and my husband and I both feel like this works the best for us.
There are many ways to parent, and I will agree whole heartedly that one that allows you to sleep the most possible – is the best way
That being said everyone is different and nothing replaces finding what works for you and your family, while the needs of the family members are being met.
@dreamom – I really appreciate your comments and for sharing your own sleep choices and experiences. I don’t think that what I shared is the only way or ever necessarily the best way – it’s just the way that worked for me. I’m sure that if I had had issues with milk supply identified by low weight gain or other indicators, I would have fed on demand longer or whatever was recommended – that wasn’t my experience.
I don’t want to be an expert for anyone’s else life – only my own…so my post was just about sharing my own personal experience. If another parent can get a nugget of encouragement, that’s all I want.
I really do appreciate you sharing your personal choices and experience because there are parents who will feel more comfortable allowing baby to nurse as they need. Unfortunately I have had some personal experiences that make a baby nursing/pacifying on me while I sleep uncomfortable for me along with having very small breasts. I do lay down in the morning and nurse but doing it long term is uncomfortable and has caused me backaches because of how to have to position myself to get breast in right position.
What i wanted to share was that you can get your baby to sleep in the night without using the CIO method, nor do you need to use formula or cereal before recommended “to fill baby up”. I think that any method that works for both parents and baby is great!
Thanks for reading and sharing!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Because of what you wrote, I actually got to sleep for almost 5 hours last night. And this is ridiculous because my little girl is 5.5 months, and was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. But the last few weeks, she’s been waking up every 2 hours. I’ve started falling asleep while feeding her – and not intentionally. The other night I felt like I fed her for 7 hours straight because I’d nurse on one side and fall asleep in the middle. An hour later we’d wake up again and nurse from the other side. Rinse and repeat – every hour, all night.
So yesterday I started trying to stuff as many calories as I can into her. Pablum, sweet potatoes and turkey, apple and raspberries, and breastfeeding (with a good chunk of watermelon too). And I got to sleep for almost 5 hours!
I do recognize that you were sharing what worked for you, and I appreciate the message getting out there that there are other ways of getting sleep than CIO – I just thought I would add to your disclaimer – I think that if this method works for you, or any mom – without interfering with milk supply and proper introduction to solids, than it is a valid choice.
The most important thing is recognizing your child’s needs (food, comfort, etc) and providing that in a way that you remain a sane and rational parent. You do that effectively with your method, as do I with mine. That goes to show that there is more than one way for a family to operate.
I hope I didn’t make you feel as though I was being critical of your method – I really do appreciate that, and will recommend it to mom’s that I run into who might not have thought to do things that way, and are getting frustrated with the night wakings…
@themoneyfamily – You’re welcome!! I don’t think you need to stuff her up
but I often get my cues on when babe needs a bit more food at feedings when she starts getting up earlier from naps and in the morning. Hope you continue to get the sleep you need!!
@dreamom – you absolutely did not make me feel bad in anyway. I truly did appreciate you sharing the info you did and hope it helps any parents that might fall on my little post!! hee hee.
from dreamom: “…and will recommend it to mom’s that I run into who might not have thought to do things that way, and are getting frustrated with the night wakings…”
I WAS one of those moms! I had never occurred to me that her calorie intake might be related to her sleep patterns. We had had some problems with my milk supply, and she started night waking because of it. But I’ve been on domperidone for a month now, and she’s gained 2 lbs, and I thought all was fixed. After reading this post – and taking the parts that work for us (schedules don’t), I started feeding my daughter solids at about every other feeding before nursing her. I feed the important stuff until she turns away, then a couple spoonfuls of apples and raspberries for a little dessert =) and then she has a little nursing session to finish filling her up.
I am on top of what happens to her, when, and can tell when she should be getting hungry. The idea of nursing until they’re almost full, and then trying solid foods, doesn’t work for me. This practice is recommended so that the babies aren’t so frustrated that they won’t try and enjoy something new. Because I know when my girl will be hungry, I go straight to the food and fill up as much there as she’ll take. It’s made a big difference for me, so I’m very thankful for your post, even if the whole thing doesn’t work for us.