So I’ve been gone. Not really gone, just not taking the time to update.
2009 ended with my first birth as a doula, a great holiday season and high hopes for the upcoming year. It also ended with us being on “baby watch” as we like to call it. There was a bottle of wine involved – consumed by me (yes the whole thing). There was protection involved – that was used properly the first time…not the second. There were many many pregnancy tests purchased at the dollar store.
After opening gifts on Christmas morning – I received another gift of a personal nature that officially took us off “baby watch”. My head said “phew” but my heart was disappointed.
A few days after the new year I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss tubal ligation. And today I went for the appointment with the OB who will be doing the procedure.
As the good health consumer that I am, I of course did an extensive Google search to find out the pros and cons of this procedure. As I was reading one of the pages, it said something like “this is considered permanent sterilization”. I don’t know why, but the word sterilization doesn’t sit well with me. Not that it is stopping me from getting it done, but it’s an odd feeling to know that I am stopping the natural functions of my body – to avoid life.
I have considered that with all our beliefs about natural health and living that neither Craig or I should alter our bodies and consider “natural family planning”…but let’s get real here people – there is a reason my blog is called natural mom LOVES PRADA. While I don’t want to fill my body with chemicals – I expect and want most things to be EASY. I don’t want to have to worry about taking my temperature, reading beads or as we have already experienced…be worried that my sober husband won’t take control of his giddy wife after she drank a bottle of wine. I’m looking for easy, no brainer…while still making the most natural choice I can.
Talking to the OB today really made it real that we would not be having anymore babies…even though he said that 1 in 200 women do get pregnant after tubal ligation (sigh, which means that hubs doesn’t get off scott free either, snip snip in store for him…). My head says “4 is enough” but my heart feels different…but I’m not even sure what it is. I don’t walk around thinking “I want another baby, I want another baby…” the opposite actually.
Perhaps it just a sadness. Knowing that we are moving on from a journey we have been on for 10 years – having children. I got pregnant for the first time in 1999 – giving birth to our last baby at the end of 2008. Our life and our relationship has been about midwife appointments, diapers and all that goes with the joys and sorrows of having a newborn.
Craig and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary in December. As we discuss our feelings about not having more children – I have to think about what the next ten years will bring for us. I can barely get my mind around the fact that Cameron will be 18 in 10 years.
I suppose there is a fear about how our relationship will change when we start having more and more time to pursue our own interests. I’m sitting here right now and all four kids are playing together…time….
I have a difficult time accepting and adjusting to change. Which is ironic as I also get bored and antsy when everything stays the same…
My heart knows that it’s time to move on. It’s time to explore life – without having to lug around an overflowing diaper bag, playpen, stroller and a container full of organic baby cookies. It’s time to embrace the moments of freedom we are starting to feel and not be afraid that we will waste them. These past 10 years have flown by in the blink of an eye – the next 10 will be the same and then we will be in a new chapter – the emptying nest….(as my breath starts to quicken) ok, not ready to think about that chapter yet.
I have learned a lot about myself in this journey of having children. Who knew that choosing to NOT have more children would also be a learning moment.
